Nicki Blue Statement
Why Didn’t I go the AVN
My porn star name is Nicki Blue. I recently became part of the sexual abuse controversies involving James Deen. The lurid details involving a beer bottle and urination in my scene with Deen went viral. After the articles came out, one of his defenders found an old message I posted about Deen on the Kink.com forum.
Let me quote my message from December 23, 2010: “I love the camera angle in this shot; no one does it better then Princess Donna. I would love to see more, I love anal fisting. James Deen is so cute.”
Reading that quote today, it sure sounds like I was into it at the time. So which version is true? Was I abused or was I an eager participant? My answer will not make sense unless I briefly tell the story of how I came to do the scene for Kink in the first place.
By the time I showed up for my scene at the Kink studio in San Francisco I had been in and out of mental hospitals since I was 15. I did not tell this to the producers who interviewed me. I did not want them to think I was crazy because more than anything I wanted to do the scene, to show off my sexual powers. I had a secret plan. I wanted my lover, Milo, to see my outrageous scene and make him jealous. So jealous he would rescue me and take me with him.
I never told the people at Kink about Milo. I knew they would never let me do the scene if I told them what was going on in my mind. I thought Milo was an extra-terrestrial, an alien. At that time I would go into a special trance and have mental sex with him in the fifth dimension. I believed he was an interdimensional being of pure love who could take me to a higher reality away from the human race.
On our last “visit” he told me (via ESP) he had to break contact with the planet Earth. I was devastated. After that Milo disappeared. I got desperate. I was sure Milo could monitor all of Earth’s Videos. I decided to get his attention to make him love me again.
I came up with the most outrageous sex fantasy I could. Only Kink was prepared to make my fantasy a reality. I know this sounds naive, but I thought the people I performed with would really like me for having sex with them. I was not prepared for the physical pain the sex gave me, but worse, I was not prepared for the hate I felt from some of the men.
When Milo didn’t rescue me after my scene came out, I almost committed suicide. Then I decided I could still be a famous porn star. If I couldn’t have my alien lover maybe I would find a human being to love me. Even though James Deen had hurt me, I still wanted him to like me. So I praised him in my postings. My scene for Kink got me a lot of work in porn, but it only made me more and more depressed. Almost all the people I had sex with never seemed to like me afterwards. I was too weird. They would call me crazy and push me away.
It wasn’t long before I was back at the mental hospital. Of course, the doctors told me Milo was not real, he was something my mind created. When I was there I began to really look at myself and face my feelings. I have struggled since then to get better.
Is pornography dangerous? Mental illness is what is dangerous. Many of the performers in the adult sex industry suffer from mental illness. Pornography is certainly dangerous for them.
So today I come back to the question, “Was I abused or was I an eager participant?”
The only honest answer is both are true.
Nicki Blue Statement – Sunday, January 31, 2016
In a prior statement I disclosed my history of psychiatric care beginning at age 15. I did not explain what first led up to my involvement with the mental health system. When I was in second grade I found out my classmates did not see colored lights around people. I knew the “lights” showed how people felt and I had assumed everybody saw them. Immediately, the other children in my class began making fun of me. It was all downhill from there.
I do not want to dwell on the horrors of being pushed out of my peer group as a freak and a weirdo. It is sufficient to say that by time I was a teenager I hated my psychic gifts and I hated myself for being different. I was sent to a child psychiatrist who immediately put me on the drug Abilify. The auras did not go away.
However, those many years therapy did in the end save my life. I see now how my involvement with porn gave me a chance to feel accepted and beautiful. In the end, of course, pornographic “stardom” did not make me feel accepted or beautiful. It did not fill the hole I had inside. I know acceptance has to come from me, not others. I have finally come full circle, back to the second grade, and I am no longer ashamed of my intuitive abilities.
After reports about my involvement with James Deen got linked on the Drudge Report I began to pay more attention to the political sites. My intuitive side began picking up a lot of “information” about the people involved. Who wouldn’t want to read the mind of a politician or a commentator and see what they really believe? Now I have to laugh. Who is going to believe the psychic musings of a crazy ex-porn star high school drop out?
Let’s just say the following story is part of my therapy.
I was watching a clip of the Republican debate, the one boycotted by Donald Trump, when something happened to Megyn Kelly’s face. It seemed to get more real, brighter somehow. All this emotional information began to pour into me. I am not a formally educated woman. Believe me, I am not sophisticated enough to make this up. The knowledge was simply there. I don’t want to embarrass Megyn Kelly, but something deep in me says it should be shared.
Looking at her picture, something opened up (I call it Infinity) and Megyn’s feelings became my feelings. Her pain over Trump went way deeper than I expected. I had foolishly thought she would be mostly invulnerable with all her professional and personal success. Not true! She has been deeply hurt by what has happened since Donald Trump attacked her for that first debate question, far more than she is showing. I saw her crying in multiple flashes. Her sense of the unfairness of it overwhelmed her at her at times but she fought her way through it. There were many moments where it took all her courage to go on camera. I saw through her eyes how Fox News has been attacked by its own audience far more than the public knows; I saw how this has caused serious divisions within the Fox Company.
All these images and feelings poured into me in what might have been seconds. It kept coming.
Megyn (I seemed to be her) felt no ill will towards Donald Trump before the questioning began. In fact, she thought she was helping Mr. Trump, making him face the kind of attacks the Democrats were going to throw at him. She was so proud of the work she and the others had done preparing for the debate. She had finally achieved a level of success, enough to make a difference, enough to help her country. I saw almost no selfishness in her. She was happy with her life, happy in a way few people are.
The hours after that debate were some of the most horrific times in her life. The wave of hatred sent her way was utterly unprecedented. Her feelings about Donald Trump as the attacks continue are every bit as dark as you would expect.
Right at this dark moment, something in me went even deeper and I felt/saw a spiritual light in her, what psychics often call the higher self. Megyn’s inner spirit was beautiful beyond what I can possibly write in words. I want her to know she did not fail in any way. I saw how the Trump “crisis” was actually good for her personally and for the country. In a way that is difficult to explain, she would have failed to fulfill her potential if this conflict had not happened. Deep in her spirit, not consciously of course, she loves Donald Trump. He too, has a higher self. He is not evil. Both Megan Kelly and Donald Trump are part of something much bigger than they know. To many what I am saying is fantasy mumbo-jumbo, wishful thinking. To me, it is a direct perception.
I guess you could say Kelly and I are on the opposite sides of America’s social rankings. I’m a mentally ill unemployed high school dropout, while she is an accomplished lawyer and broadcaster. I am sure if Megyn Kelly were to read what I wrote about her (very presumptuous of me and I apologize) she would feel my intuitions about her were not wrong. In fact, I can tell you something else about Megyn. It was the respect she felt towards Donald Trump that caused her the deepest pain. She wanted him to answer the questions and face them so he could be a better candidate. She wanted Trump to improve. Now Megyn is terribly afraid she has inadvertently given power to a very destructive man.
Her terror is not for herself. She knows better than anybody how our country is at a dangerous crossroads. She knows many people see Donald Trump as a statue cast out of strong metal. Megyn, being an attractive woman, understands full well the dangers of the ego, and in particular, the male ego. If Mr. Trump’s beautiful statue turns out to have feet of clay, the cracks could bring down the hopes of a nation.
Time will tell.
In the end, Megyn and I will always have something in common, something far more important than social status. We are both women. Ultimately love is what drives us. Not power.
Nicki Blue Statement – Paladians
Inter dimensional lovemaking, light bodies moving through space…..discovered McKenna.
I almost did not send out my January 18th statement. It felt like I was telling my most embarrassing secret. The secret was not that I believed in interdimensional aliens – in the past years I have told a lot of people that – no, my secret seemed way worse. My secret: I love and hate sex at the same time. An older women friend (not in the adult business) laughed at me when I told her my fears. She said, “Nicki, don’t you realize most women feel that way?”
I was shocked. She assured me I was not crazy for feeling that way. “Hell, most women love and hate men in general,” she said. When I told her I had been contacted by the Daily Beast about my statement she brought up Bill Clinton’s women.
“Take Kathleen Willey,” she said. “Check out her story on the net. Now she says was abused by Bill Clinton when he kissed her in the White House, but Linda Tripp says Willey was ‘smiling from ear to ear, very flustered, very excited.’ And Tripp was certainly no friend of Bill’s, so I believe her.”
I recall my grandmother talking about how sexy Bill Clinton was right in front of my grandfather. I was about 10-years-old. I remember being confused about what sexy meant.
“My friend continued, “The Daily Beast should ask Kathleen Willey if it was a French kiss. Did she voluntarily put her tongue in Bill’s mouth? Nobody’s got the guts to ask that question!”
We both laughed. Then my friend got serious. “You see what I mean? Kathleen Willey was there to beg President Clinton for a job. Maybe Willey loved and hated that kiss, all at the same time. I doubt she’ll ever admit that now.”
We were both quiet for a moment. Then she said, “I guess honesty is not politically correct.”
Maybe it is because of my young age and what I have already survived, but I am more optimistic than my woman friend. I see honesty as the ultimate political correctness, the one value that can truly help our country heal.
It helped me. Personal honesty, however painful, is what keeps me from going insane again.